Just started my pre-residency training in Pedia at PGH. First day pa lang toxic na. I’m assigned to the Cardio service and have 3 patients, 2 of which were intubated and unlike my other co-preresidents, I had to endorse them on my own on the first day. Binago pala sked namin at nalaman ko lang nung umaga na duty pala ako that day. There were supposed to be 4 of us but no, 2 decided to quit. Tapos may morning endorsements pa the next day. We had to prepare transparencies for endorsed and new admissions, only to find that our census transparency was missing when endorsements were about to start. Siyempre got grilled when I was presenting. Na-rattle ang lola kaya nakalimutan kung paano mag-interpret ng ABG (arterial blood gas). And when it came to the theoretical questions, sino ang laging tinatawag? Ako. Ako na walang alam.
So for three days I was endorsing two q1 patients (patients who need close watch and are thus monitored every hour). And since my babies were Cardio patients, I have to do the blood extractions. ABGs forever! And these are tiny babies we’re talking about. It’s like internship all over again (minus the monitoring)! Wednesday was my luckiest day. I was at the OPD with my seniors until 6 pm and I had to go back to endorse my patients without much time to prepare and no senior for support. So I endorsed to the duty team led by (gasp!) Dr. Cifra, known for being meticulous. Prinito, ginisa, inihaw, lahat na. And to top it all, I lost my wallet. (May tawag dito: Murphy’s Law.)
Ako tuloy, feeling lost din. Even if I wanted to play a more active part in the management of my patients, I admittedly lack the knowledge and skill in managing cardio cases. Fluids at ABGs pa nga lang e nalilito na ako, paano pa kaya mechanical ventilators. 3 different models pa gamit namin. Yung isa antique na ginagamit pa rin.
There’s just too much to learn. Of course, I know it’s part of being a doctor. Walang katapusang pag-aaral at pagpapakadalubhasa. For the past how many years, I’ve pictured myself as a pediatrician. I’ve collected children’s books related to medicine. My aunt even gave me my very own pedia stet when I was still a clerk. But now that I’m there—well, almost there— I’m realizing a lot of things. But I won’t be posting them here. Maybe next time. Suffice to say, I made a decision to enter residency in Pedia (gulp) in PGH (double gulp) knowing it will not be easy. Having had my medical education at UP-PGH may have benefits but at this point in time, I feel like it’s kind of backfiring. People expect so much from me. It’s terrifying! Right now, I feel so unprepared, so out of place. It’s like, am I at the right place? Is this really what I want to do? My good friend and co-resident Maan advised me to take it one step at a time. The work itself is pressure enough, ayoko na dagdagan pa. The thing is, I don’t want to be just doling out money for my patient’s ABGs and extracting them. I want to do more. And it will take more than my dream, my desire, my noble intentions. It will challenge what I know or believe about myself. I know this experience will change me. I just hope it won’t change my mind.
